Seriously considering au pairing in the UK next year instead of teaching in Thailand. I know Thailand will be more exciting, but I kind of need to come back with money so that I can study… hmm..
Its 7.15am. I managed to fall asleep 3 hours ago and I just got a phonecall from my boss asking if I can go in at 8.15am today and tomorrow. Blagh. I love my job and I love the kid to bits, but this is not gonna be fun..
Today was the first day in a long time during which I didn’t go out, hang out with any of my friends or stay out late; I went to work, lifted our cleaner and her son to the station, went for a run and then came home and just relaxed.
I love my own space, and I love to be on my own sometimes, but its also hard to be on my own. I’ve been on my own today, and I realised something.
I realised that the reason I hardly ever allow myself to just be: to just do nothing and be alone and deal with myself; is because I use everything I do as a distraction.
Obviously I don’t only hang out with my friends and go out and stuff just to distract myself, but it definitely is one of the benefits.
I am constantly, not always consciously, distracting myself from myself - I keep busy and surround myself with people so that I don’t have to remember that I am depressed, and that, even with meds, I still have to deal with feeling numb and sad and pointless and useless and like I’m broken somehow.
I often wonder what it must be like to not have depression; to not have this constant cloud over my head. What must it be like to just be normal?
How does it feel to be sad without depression? What does actual happiness feel like? What is it like to have an actual range of feelings and emotions?
I honestly don’t know the answers to those questions.
I’m on my own now, and have been pretty much all day, and it is hard.
I feel depressed again, and I haven’t felt like this in a long time because I haven’t given myself the space or time to.
I’m lying in my bed at 2am and I cannot sleep because my brain refuses to switch off, because it seems to be determined to torture me as much as possible while it has its chance. I use life and people and events and such as the noise that drowns out my mind, because my mind is my worst enemy. And now I’m lying here, with nothing to listen to but my mind.
All I want to do is fall asleep so that I no longer feel like this, but I can’t.
Depression sucks - I often forget that because I don’t allow myself to remember that I have depression. But its moments like this one that make it blatantly obvious that I still do, and I always will, and that just makes me wonder what the point of it all is.
I know that its not normal to regularly think about swallowing a months worth of medication in one go, but I still allow myself to think it. I know its not normal to think about driving your car as fast as you can into a wall or off of a cliff, but it still crosses my mind sometimes when I’m driving.
I know that wanting to sleep all the time just so that time can pass faster and I can reach a natural death quicker is not normal, but sometimes I want to.
I know I won’t do it, but the thought still scares me.
Depression sucks, and I just needed to write about it. I’m sorry for posting this shit for you guys to see, but hey, this is my blog, my space to do what I need to do and say what I need to say, so yeah… sorry…
Ancient healers believed Earth’s energy could be easily absorbed through our skin and through the soles of our feet.
Studies proves earthing (also called grounding) can improve your blood pressure, reduce cortisol, and even help problems sleeping. It’s done by reconnecting your body with the free electrons that flow through the Earth’s surface and it’s as easy as walking barefoot outdoors.
Totally the excuse I’m going to use from now on - people always ask me why I don’t wear shoes.
I got so drunk last night that I fell asleep with a piece of naan bread in my hand. It is now 5pm and I am still hungover.
I can’t drink like I used to - getting too old, haha.
Everything is downhill from 22.
So accurate - its six days into this month and I’m pretty much broke again.
Today, for the first time ever, since I came out as gay, I was made to feel as though my being gay makes me less of a person; as though I am dirty or wrong somehow.
It was hard.
Today was the first time that I fully understood why the fight for acceptance of the gay community is still so relevant.
And it was hard.
It has been hours since that happened, and I have carried on with my day and night as normal, but I am still so shaken. The way I was made to feel is a way I have never felt before, and I never want to feel again, and a feeling that no one else should ever, ever have to experience.
I feel anger that makes me want to fight and argue until there is no more ignorance left on this planet, but I also just want to curl up and cry and not have to face anyone, and I feel physically ill.
Today was hard.
But it will not be what I remember of today.
Today I will remember that it was one person, out of so many people that I know and love, and that love me.
It will remind me of how lucky I am to have the people that I do.
Just came back from my second Newlands Forest walk/hike. Thank fuck for Clara, she’s being such an awesome friend - she’s taken it upon herself to make sure that I’m exercising sufficiently every day. I’m actually going to do it this time guys ^_^